Title: MOP 1997 Field Guide
MOP 1997 Field Guide
Welcome to the 1997 edition of the Field Guide to MOPpers!
>> ENTER <<
Thanks to Lawrence Detlor for providing a copy of this field guide.
- If the MOPper participated in the Bridge tournament, go to step 2.
- Otherwise, go to step 3.
- If the MOPper actually won, go to step 7.
- If not, go to step 5.
- If the MOPper hates fungus and loves to snivel, go to step 4.
- Otherwise, go to step 15.
- If the veteran MOPper associates with rookies during the game, go to step 11.
- If the rookie MOPper associated with vets during class, go to step 12.
- Otherwise go to step 13.
- If the MOPper won’t have to leave his state to visit the 2001 IMO, go to step 8.
- Otherwise go to step 6.
- If the MOPper can name all 12 flavors of wings at bw-3, and can tell you what bw-3 stands for, then go to step 10.
- Otherwise, go to step 34.
- If the MOPper is impervious to sun, spends more time in the computer lab than in his room, mysteriously metamorphoses coefficients from 2’s into 1’s, and asks questions about headless bacteria on the North Pole and their shoes, then he’s Cy Chan.
- If the MOPper speaks Romanian with a Southern accent, gets yelled at by drunken women, was accused of murder after stepping out of the shower, has many friends at Amigos, and is half of the “Darn hooligan ’n a juicy dear,” then she’s Ioana Gradinaru.
- If the MOPper is always connected to Josh at the hip and confuses Ultimate Frisbee with a wrestling match, then he’s Paul Valiant.
- If the MOPper is living proof that gnomes exist (apart from Noams), is always pulling his beard, and talks to himself in the bathroom, then he’s Tad Warshall.
- If the MOPper howls at the full moon, can always be found near the techno music, was surgically attached to Paul yet still went off on his own, listens to Rednex while eating pizza and playing bridge, and can spontaneously duplicate Kai, then it’s Josh Nichols-Barrer and the marathon is 2/3 finished.
- If the MOPper makes an all-too-effective mafia informant and kills every third person with his forehand, then he’s Kevin Lacker.
- If the MOPper has orthogonal hair; is the only student at all four recent MOP sites, and has given up his bottle (at least when he’s away from home), then he’s Li-Chung Chen and you win the special prize.
- If the MOPper is very flexible, plays chess, juggles four at once, really gets a kick from dry-erase markers, stares with a lazy “dog” eye, sleeps during lectures, and just “watches” while other people throw forks at the wall, then he’s Jim Leonard.
- If the MOPper can hold a steady five-ball juggle, is able to eat more buffalo wings than can be counted with fingers and toes of three people combined, and writes about the wrist industry, then he’s Tim Kirchner and you’re at bw-3.
- If the MOPper took up a permanent residence at bw-3, thinks for really long amounts of time, and is the most dangerous diner at MOP, then it’s Kai Huang, and watch out for that glass!
- If the MOPper is often found sleeping in the front row during lectures and competes with his roommate in juggling, then it’s Sasha Schwartz, and why do they call it the Green Team anyway?
- If the MOPper finds the SAT II free-writing section annoyingly small, was given Lazlo’s phone number by Elgin, and gets stuck in dark rooms with powerless computers, then he’s David Speyer.
- If the MOPper always inverts and can speak Swedish, Greek, and Finnish but can’t finish his food, then he’s Reid Barton.
- If the MOPper is continuing a family tradition by being at MOP and throws forks at the wall, then he’s Andrew Schepler. Greetings, taco lovers!
- If the MOPper takes tests standing up, can anagram, and walks around the room constantly, then he’s Michael Khoury.
- If the MOPper can speak Greek with Reid while bending his fingers backward 90 degrees and had to put up with John Clyde’s bed inversion, then he’s Kenny Easwaran.
- If the MOPper has non-alphanumeric characters in his name, go to step 16.
- Otherwise, go to step 14.
- If the MOPper was locked in a closet, thinks he knows Spanish, but doesn’t, carries out a projectile transformation on markers, detines forks, and wonders whether the decimal point ones are all Greek, then Dan Moraseski it is, Tonto.
- If the MOPper threatens…to…erase…Dan…Moraseski, was on…his state’s first…ARML team, and throws forks at the wall, then he’s Andy Frohmader.
- If the MOPper made contact, go to step 19.
- If the MOPper failed to make contact because they left early, go to step 33.
- Otherwise, go to step 20.
- If the MOPper is obsessed with one-minute bughouse and likes to submit bogus or semi-bogus solutions, then it’s Po-Shen Loh.
- If the MOPper dances with buffalo and wolves, plays the piano hard enough to break it, and can’t help but run to and from his room, then it’s Chi-Bong Chan.
- If the MOPper has a name which can be rearranged to “Run! It educates!”, can solve any inequality with a trig substitution, checks on the IMO team after every test, then it’s Titu & Reescu and it’s time to go to bed, because you took a wrong turn somewhere.
- If the MOPper is very proud of his $65,000 AHSME grading machine, funnels more money into Lincoln than the entire movie industry, compliments Ioana on her English, has never failed a student, has pull gives lectures on reserved subjects under the alias of Fan Chung, and owns Lincoln and Omaha, then he’s Walter Mientka and he’s making a deal for Kansas City soon (By the way, you also haven’t been following directions. Shame on you!)
- If the MOPper is going to the big party in Argentina, go to step 22.
- Otherwise, go to step 24.
- If the MOPper played seven-tile stud with blanks wild, go to step 29.
- Otherwise, go to step 30.
- If the MOPper wasn’t at MOP but should have been, knows where Davesh’s hat has gone, and rows, then it’s Phil and you’ve taken a wrong step.
- If the MOPper is on a degenerate two-year streak, go to step 27.
- Otherwise, go to step 25.
- If the MOPper could be found at an Ultimate game, go to step 26.
- Otherwise, go to step 28, also known as Indiana.
- If the MOPper found a large number of false solutions to Iran 1 (and one correct dumbass method solution with the help of a computer), is the captain of another state’s ARML team, compares “Cotton-Eye Joe” to degenerate inversion, and interrupts Jeremy’s phone conversations by shattering ice on his floor, then he’s Carl Bosley.
- If the MOPper refuses to believe the Axiom of Choice, sleeps in the hallway, brought half an orchestra’s worth of instruments with him, and is going to the big party in Argentina, then he’s Nathan Curtis.
- If the MOPper was visited by his girlfriend, is this year’s cow-state representative although he’s not from Iowa, concedes James Bond arguments to Zuming, and gets revenged on his first move (with two triple words,) then he’s David Vickrey.
- If the MOPper plays frisbee and chess well, is the owner of the mysterious pink “frisbee,” looks like Roger Barkan and smells like Chi-Bong, then it’s Lionel Levine, and it bites that that’s unfortunate.
- If the MOPper sleeps through a reporter visit, has no fear of solipsism, and makes plans to steal street signs at 3 AM, then he’s Dan Stronger and he’s missing a phoneme.
- If the MOPper brings three cans of Mountain Dew and music to IMO tests, performs inversion on his bed, is from the land of potatoes, and writes up bogus solutions to rookie problems for Ioana, then he’s John Clyde.
- If the MOPper knows trivia and can make pool trivial, finds shoes in his dryer, and is one of the p / 2 MOPpers from Indiana in 1997, then it’s Bryce Johnson.
- If the MOPper concocted rookie teams and still won’t admit it, but places infinite trust in Kevin’s omniscience, then she’s Melanie Wood and she’s a member of the mafia.
- If the MOPper goes to Chelsea Clinton’s former school and is a cross between a 1995 Bulgarian special prize winner and a 1995 female MOPper, then he’s Nicholas “Nikolai” Williams.
- If the MOPper is a Simpsons trivia whiz, habitually sings to himself in an incoherent manner, and can bang his head on his knee in one continuous motion, then he’s Lawrence Detlor…D’OH!!
- If the MOPper is hyper when playing mafia (although actually, he’s always hyper), walks around town (and plays ultimate) with bare feet, and plays Pascal’s Triangle on the piano, then he’s Jeremy Bem.
- If the MOPper will have had IMO experience by 1997, go to step 31.
- Otherwise, go to step 32.
- If the MOPper posts nonsensical hints to rookie contest problems, is really good at ping pong, is going to Argentina, but not on the team, and wonders whether anglechasing is a word, then he’s Mateo Restrepo.
- If the MOPper busts a move, wakes up at 12:30 (PM), and organizes bridge tournaments, then he’s Jonathan Weinstein and your writeup is late.
- If the MOPper catches fisbees with his teeth and could save the world, then he’s Matt Lee.
- If the MOPper is quiet, reads newspapers, and is a member of the mock IMO team, then he’s Yogesh More.
- If the MOPper will look like Ben Kingsley in eight years, knows every two letter word in the Scrabble dictionary, attended MOP eight years in a row, but escaped early this year, and whistles while he hums, then he’s Kiran Kedlaya.
- If the MOPper gets a blue five o’clock shadow by 10:00 in the morning, shares Ioana’s accent, and pulls theorems out of his headgear, then it suffishes to show that he is Razvan Gelca.
- If the MOPper knows what it’s like to be a Mafioso, go to step 9.
- Otherwise, go to step 35.
- If the MOPper gives sixty-question problem sets, enjoys Teriyaki wings, and keeps the streets of Lincoln safe at night as Mr. Fat, then he is undoubtably Zuming Feng, quite easily done.
- If the MOPper plays Ultimate with the little people, will be going to the big party but won’t have time right after the test to enjoy it, and has kept up Iowa’s mathematical tradition for three years, then you have found Elgin Johnston.