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The following have messages at Neihardt Desk: Timothy McVeigh, Ted Kazcynski, and Osama bin Laden. This may or may not confirm the theory that all dead terrorists go to Nebraska.

American relations with Romania have dramatically worsened in the past few days. As a precaution, all Romanian staff will be participating in the Happy Romanian Relocation Program, moving from the dangerous urban location of Lincoln, Nebraska to the Happy Romanian Work Camp in the middle of nowhere. We will visit them on the cow-tipping trip, now moved up to this afternoon at 2 pm.

We would like to remind all MOPers that the computers in Cather-Pound lab are not to be used for playing games. Due to numerous requests to alter this code, there will now be a computer lab exclusively for playing games in Piper, in room 4111, occupied by Chuck Straley until his unfortunate accident.

We would like to remind all MOPers that the formal dance is in just 4 days. For a list of guys who are not taken, consult your nearest MOP directory. For a list of girls who are not taken, consult the empty set.

In a sad shock, the Akamai foundation went bankrupt yesterday, and withdrew donations made to MOP. Since air flight will no longer be available for MOPers' return, we will instead walk home, making up for our previous lack of physical activity. All Hawaiian MOPers will be given swimming lessons for the rest of the week.

We will be taking a trip to missile silo facilities west of Lincoln on Tuesday morning, from 5 am to 7 am. As a safety precaution, all Oriental, Indian, Russian and Jewish MOPers will not be permitted to attend. The other two of you should meet in front of Neihardt desk at 4:30 am.

Today's duty team can be neither confirmed nor denied as it pertains to "current capabilities."

Have a great day!

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