MOP 2001 Skit

On awards night, Michael Rothenberg, Ben Conlee, Steve Byrnes, Gabriel Carroll, and David Shin performed this skit to commemorate MOP 2001. Thanks to Michael for providing the script. Note: any resemblance of the characters in this skit to real persons, dead or alive, is purely coincidental.

Act I: A Zuming Lecture

Zuming: Where is Michael today?

Ben: Yesterday he sneezed on the hall of fame ballots and Anders ripped his head off.

Anders: WHAAT? [elbows at side, forearms akimbo]

Zuming: (Zuming goes to the board and introduces a geometry problem.) Now, I will show you the number 6 porblem on the 1992 IMO. One student got partial credit, a Hungarian who had a 73-page proof using Lagrange murderpliers. Here is porblem.

Tony: (As Zuming is explaining...) Right. Right. RIGHT.

Zuming: And at this point, it became one of the world's unsolved porblems, hailed as the hardest geometry porblem in history.

Ben: I think I know how to do the problem. Basically, ...

Zuming: Ben, are you trying to be funny?

Ben: No, I was just trying to explain the problem.

Zuming: HA. Ha. Ha. Ha. Ha. Give me 15 pushups and I'll give you a hint.

Tony: (Tony is working quickly and is absorbed in his work. Suddenly, he looks up. He raises his hand and waves it gently in the breeze.) I got it.

Zuming: Get up! Show us the porblem. (Tony goes to the board, grabs the chalk, and stands directly in front of the diagram.) Move back; move back so everyone can see!

Tony: (Tony moves to the side. He begins to write.) [sticks his rear end way out in one direction and his neck in the other] So dis angle equals dis angle equals dis angle. (He points to a hundred different angles, looks at Zuming, and quickly goes back to his seat.)

Zuming: You are not through. Show us another way.

Tony: (Tony goes up to the board again.) So dis sejment equals dis sejment equals dis sejment...

Zuming: Did you murderply?

Tony: No, you diwide.

(Close curtain.)

Act II: Old South

Twenty-five years later. Ricky Biggs, Dave Stolp and Greg work at an auto shop. They are on a lunch break at work at the local cafeteria where they eat -- every...single...goddamn day. Ricky is wearing a blue mechanic outfit that says, "Rick."

Renee: (Renee is swiping cards.) HI. (She thinks to herself, "I hate everything.") HI. HI. (To Ricky.) HI! (She takes his card and swipes it 7 or 8 times.) Is this a new card?

Ricky: [cynically] I've had it for three weeks. (Ricky and David get their food and sit down. Ricky has three plates in front of him. A hotdog plate, a pizza plate, and a ketchup plate, and a Hawaiian punch. David is a fellow mechanic and has only a pot pie on his plate.)

David: Did I ever tell you about the Oaz Nir incident?

Ricky: The one twenty-five years ago at MOP? You tell me about that every day.

David: Oh. (He thinks to himself, "I wish I was rolling a phat doobie.")

Greg: (Greg walks in, holding a tray, mouth wide open like a fish out of water. His head turns like an oscillating fan. Finally, he spots Dave and Rick and sits down with his arms folded across his chest.) Pieguy, what's that on your plate?

David: Pot pie. My two favorite things. [Pause.] (Ricky is finishing his pizza and begins to dip the crust in his fruit punch.) Ewww! That's the grossest thing I've ever seen, next to what you were doing yesterday. (David points to the ketchup plate.)

Ricky: What? I wasn't doing anything.

David: [speaking with contempt] You were dipping. Your CRUST. In your PUNCH.

Ricky: No I wasn't. I stopped that two weeks ago. (Greg's adam's apple jiggles.) Pie guy, let's play mercy.

David: [groan] Um, not right now. Let's wait until I finish eating.

Ricky: What, are you afraid I'll beat you? (Ricky leans toward Greg.) He knows I'll beat him.

Greg: Maybe he's afraid to touch you. I wouldn't want to touch you.

David: (Ricky grabs David's hands, pulls him to his feet, and they start playing mercy in the middle of the cafeteria.) Ow, ow, ow, OW!

Greg: (Greg cringes as David's hands are folded into a pretzel.) Please say mercy!

David: (Ricky pushes David into a corner and David goes out of sight.) [screaming] How would you like it if an elephant climbed on your back?! (Ricky laughs evilly, and shrugs his shoulders.)

Greg: Um, I don't think we should be talking about this. Let's get back to work.

(Close curtain.)

Act III: Ben Conlee

30 years later. Ben is the head salesman of Excellent Communications, Inc. Ben is attempting to make a huge sale, and the customer is Gastropod.

Gabe: [in a nasal voice] I am interested in purchasing your product. But first I want to know more about its advantages.

Ben: Basically, Mr. Gastropod, it goes like this. Right? Okay. So, uh, yeah, our product is good. (Inna walks by with Neil on a leash. Ben goes googly-eyed, and starts fantasizing.) [Musical interlude.] (He mutters to himself) God, I'm such a loser.

Gabe: I don't feel like I know anymore now than I did before I asked you that question.

Ben: Huh? Yeah! Well, like, this product is the best because like, products are better than, uh, sums. (Ben gives himself a mental high-five.)

Gabe: Well, even though you made a math pun, I'm not sold.

Ben: Basically, my excellent communications are the best in, like, communicating. Yeah, uh, we know how to communicate, so we are the best. Right? Okay.

Gabe: Hmm. (Ben's co-worker Mark walks in.)

Ben: Hey Mark. How's it going?

Mark: Why don't you just go to hell and BURN! (Mark exits.)

Ben: The reason why our product sounds so crappy is because it's really so good.

Gabe: Really? Then I'll buy... But only if you can beat me at anagrams, and play silent football with me all night long.

Ben: (Claps, with a half second break between each clap. In a monotone,) Great. GREAT. (He thinks to himself) If only I had a wife or a girlfriend. Like, why do women not flock to me and stuff? I even, uh, cut my hair twice a week. I'm such a loser. (Ben starts whistling for no apparent reason.)

Gabe: So, are you going to play? We have to get started, because curfew is at 12:00 (25 years later).

Ben: Huh? Yeah! Basically, I'll play anagrams, like, as long as you'll play Gluck with me, and my boss, Dan. (And now we will ask the audience to visualize Dan in a suit.)

Gabe: I can't resist a challenge. You're on!

Ben: Uh, yeah, basically, I'm thrilled. Yeah. (Ben puts his headphones on, closes his eyes, and starts head banging.)

(Close curtain.)

Act IV: The Graders.

The Graders are all in Dan's room; they only have 3 papers left to grade: Ben's, Michael's and Reid's.

Melanie: (Looks at Reid's first solution) This paper says "Reid Barton" at the top. According to our rubric, that's worth a 7 slash .9, unless it is under half a page. Then it's a 7 slash 1.0.

Dan: So give him a 7 slash 1.0. (Dan examines his own beard, finds something interesting, and eats it.)

George: Don't you guys think we should at least read it?

Melanie: Nah, it's Reid. He's the only one to ever score higher than me on any test. So he's the only person I respect. (Dan scratches his head with his foot.)

George: (The graders move to Reid's last problem.) This last solution looks flawless. But if we gave him another 7 math points, we wouldn't be able to write, "you need to be redeemed" on it.

Dan: Let's give him a 2. (Dan yawns, and looks at the ceiling.)

Melanie: Oh shhhhhoot. Now we have to grade Michael's paper. He always has 4 or 5 inductions going on at once.

George: mmmMaybe it can't be that bad.

Melanie: [raising arms] Oh yeah it can! Take a look at this crap!

Alex: (Alex Saltman walks in and reads the solution.) He's from my state. I would expect a better proof from Texas. That one deserves a .4 style. [Repeated nose exhalation.]

George: Mmm, maybe that would hurt his feelings. Let's give him a .5 style (THAT won't hurt his feelings!)

Dan: The rubric says, "Never give Mike Rothenberg anything over 3.0 MOP points per test."

Alex: Fine. The math points are there. But I don't know what the hell's going on with his induction. Give a 6 slash .5. [Repeated nose exhalation.]

Melanie: How about a 5 slash .6?

Dan: Whatever. Great. We were teammates at Frisbee once. (Dan looks from side to side like a velociraptor.)

[Alex does his repeated nose exhalation.]

Melanie: Would stop making that (BLEEP) noise! (Everyone starts laughing.)

(Yian walks in.)

Yian: What what? What's everyone doing? What what? (And he leaves.)

(Dan scratches himself in an unspecified area, and Alex leaves.)

George: Oh no, I have to grade a geometry problem from Ben. He tried to use directed angles again. This doesn't make any sense.

Melanie: When a proof gets too complicated, the rubric says to write either, "What is this?" if they are a rookie, or "Good", if they are a vet.

George: Maybe I'll just give him a 2 slash .9, because his handwriting is less than beautiful. The rubric says you can't give more than 2 math points for bad handwriting.

Melanie: He beat our team at Gluck. Give him a zero.

George: Maybe... but when he complains, you get to haggle with him over it.

Dan: (Dan crosses his eyes, and goes: "Bububububh.") Now we go back through everyone's tests, and adjust their score according to how much we like them.

Melanie: That's my favorite part.

(Close curtain.)